I'm not ashamed or too reserved to admit that I struggle with loneliness. I guess I can't help it myself. Living single in a big city with no close family around and a city where people are too busy and only mind their own. I have exchanged many posses of friends over my life. Although each of them special in my heart, they always seem to move on with their lives when you're not around. That's understandable.
Because I have been through the build and wear down of relationships over so many repetitions, I've come across this conundrum of being alone. Which is, I long for interaction and engagement with people, and therefore become invested in the pursuance of deep relationships. However, we all go through this ebb and flow of events that lead to new and separate paths. We accept the notion that we need to be selfish by pursuing our desires, and we need to be unselfish by letting others pursue their desires. Yes, we can share those desires with each other and the experiences that are born from them but I feel disengaged at that point. I no longer feel the same connection that we had before. As a result, I warp my mind to remain distant from people. I protect myself from reliving the pain of a lost relationship and I stop chasing them. In turn, I'm back at square one - longing for interaction and engagement again. What is it about this experience that makes it so cyclical? Why have I not just stayed at one end of the cycle (either be comfortable in my loneliness or keep feeding my hunger for deep connection)? On one end, I need to connect with people. On the other end, I need to protect myself.
