I've had bad things happen to me and sometimes I think...is this the end of it for me? Is my future forever changed by this incident? There's a fear of losing everything. It's during these moments that I don't sleep. I lay awake the whole night thinking, replaying, in my head, things that I don't want to remember. Getting out of bed sporadically to search for a remedy. After I exhaust every neuron in my brain, I start thinking about the "what ifs". What if I went to jail? How would I handle it? How would my family/friends react? What if I just leave and run away? Could I survive? Where would it lead me? This whirlwind of thoughts, racing in all directions, make me a wreck.
One day, I decided to pour out every drop of fear in my cup and thought about what I needed to be strong and resilient. I finally met this ineffable stage of invincibility and some inexplicable source of inner strength overcame me. I can't even really describe it, exactly. It didn't feel like I could take on any challenge in the world. It felt like I needed to face every challenge knowing that the results would change me as a person and I needed to embrace that change. After sifting through hundreds of hypothetical outcomes to my situation, I wasn't sure if I just gave up trying to make certainty out of uncertainty or if I wanted to deliberately stop being afraid. I realized that no matter what happened, I would continue living my life given the cards that I was dealt. I couldn't change my hand, but I could continue playing the game to the best of my ability. I was still scared shitless about going through with life, but I didn't have any consternation by it. There is value in every possible outcome and I was genuinely curious about it.
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